According to him, I'm getting too intense (like wanting to see him all the time). When I started dating him, he was the intense one. He professed love by the third date, wanted to marry me by the fourth. I'm only following his lead.

He got a new job recently, which tires him out and leaves little time to hang out. Apparently I've been monopolizing all of his hanging out time. For the past few months, he never calls me. In the beginning, he always did, always wanting to see me. Now I feel like I have to harass him with phone calls before he calls me back.

There's no romance in our relationship, I don’t feel like he makes much effort to do those little things that matter so much to me. But he tells me all the time he loves me. When we're together, its like we're still in our honeymoon phase. But now he wants a break, like he needs a vacation from me. He said he doesn’t want to see me, but does want to talk to me online and on the phone.

He says he loves me, that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and that he cant sleep because he misses me. Is it just me or has he lost his mind? If he truly feels that way, then why are we on a break? Is he bullshitting me because he’s scared to really break up with me? Or is he just dumb and confused?

I love him so much, but it kills me to talk to him knowing he doesn't want to see me. He says he does want to get back together and ease into dating each other again. Cant we do that now, without the break? What is he thinking?! - Dee

Dear Dee: Who cares what he’s thinking, the more important thing is what are you thinking? Don’t you believe you deserve better than a 20% boyfriend who has to be harassed into hanging out with you. If you guys have as much fun as you make it seem, he should be panting on your doorstep to go play fetch.

You say if you get back together that your relationship will be stronger for it. I doubt it. That may be the case if the break were something you had both discussed as an option rather than something he pulled out of his ass when things were going tough. This is something he is dragging you through, not something you are going through hand in hand.

You can tell a great deal about a person by how they react under extreme pressure, and he seems to be in a time of high stress - and he is cracking like a plumber working under a sink. He is not leaning on you for support, though from what you have said you seem to be supportive of him, to the point of your own detriment even. He is pushing you away, and who better to know what he needs than him. And this seems to be about him, and not you.

Too intense? What does he think married life would be like. If he cannot withstand the dating life and all of it’s highs and lows, how does he think married life would be any less of a challenge? And you would even consider having children with this man?

There is really nothing wrong with what he is doing. He is being honest with you about not wanting to spend time with you. It may be rough for you to handle and understand, but at least he is being forthcoming now rather than springing this on you as a separation after you were married. He got in over his head and is now trying to find a way out.

The bigger thing here is how are you going to react to it. Do you think all you are worth is sitting around on your hands hoping that his favor returns to you? If he told you that you deserve more than he can give, take him at his word.

He does not appear to be emotionally ready for what you are looking for. Yes he may be wonderful in so many other ways, but from his actions he’s just not ready to be the 100% full time type of man you seem to want, the sort he represented himself as. And without that, without the knowledge that you can depend on him to be there in good times as well as bad, there is no trust., no stable foundation.

Keep your self respect. And keep looking forward in life, not back.

previous :: next